April 22, 2008

So here it is. My Cat went to the cat Heaven this Saturday. She was my companion for 12 blessed years.

Cat got ill 2 weeks ago; I took her to the vet. Verdict – she’s not curable but it’s possible to alleviate or even stabilize her condition. Renal insufficiency is like that.

So we did what we could. I dragged in all my family and friends for help. She had to have a drip feed every night, and somebody would always come to help me hold her still for the procedure. No cat likes to be still against their will for longer then two minutes. Wasn’t easy, but they never complained. Did I mention I love my family and friends dearly? They agreed to help me without a second’s hesitation.

So went the last week.

She started to eat on Wednesday, and I was so, so happy. It looked like she’s decided to live after all. She even didn’t put up much fight when it was time for her shots and medicine. I thought she might be feeling better.

My friends took us to visit the vet on Saturday. He said she’s making progress and told me to come back in a week with strict instructions about the treatment. Suffice to say, I was ecstatic.

And then, on our way home, she suddenly got restless and was having trouble breathing, and then went into seizures. We turned back while I was having frantic consultation with the vet. Well, it was too late. In ten minutes Cat was dead. Just like that. In my arms.

Apparently, her little heart was not strong enough for all the stress she went through. I don’t really understand all medical particulars.

I know my Cat died. I know I’m sad, and miserable, and devastated. And I miss her very, very much. I guess that’s all that matters. It was her time to go, and all I can do is get used to a life with no Cat in it.

Is it weird to feel such loss over a pet?

I hadn’t realized how much my daily life was adjusted to the presence of Cat. With my every step, I checked, and double-checked. I was constantly considering everything from a cat-safe aspect.

Could she possibly get stuck under the closet? Could she force herself through that tiny opening, and suffocate? Could she steal the chicken from the table, and over-eat, and vomit all over the place? Does she have enough water or food; is her kitten litter fresh enough?

Would she be alright if I’m away from home for whole three days? Should I request someone to come and check on her?

Has she had enough vitamins? Is it time to sow grass for her?

Could she possibly be under my feet when I get up from the bed?

Did I leave the window open or closed? What if it’s open, and a storm breaks out – she doesn’t like thunder. She’d be alone, and scared. And if it’s closed – does she have enough fresh air?

The doors always had to be left open, to all rooms. She hated not being able to go as she pleases, and she was very vocal about it.

She loved to tear up important papers in tiny pieces. I had to go to the bank more then once to exchange ripped up bills. It was always so much fun for the clerks when I started the explanations.

I had to be careful where I leave my keys. She loved to snatch them, and play with them. As a result, they’d be jammed in a highly unpredictable place, and I’d spend a good hour looking for them. And she’d look all smug, and watch my frenzy search, and I’d be late yet again.

I’d always have to warn guests to watch out. She took it as her duty to bite or scratch everybody at least once. Yes, Cat wasn’t your average meek lap-cat. She was a fighter with strong opinions, and she wasn’t afraid to voice them.

She had a game where she’d try to escape out of the apartment. She’d bolt at the most unexpected moment and disappear down the stairs. The rules were that I was supposed to go look for her, chase her, and bring her back. It was a hilarious sight in the winter. She’d run out, all victorious, and sink into the snow. No cat likes wet and cold, my Cat was no exception. She’d bolt back inside and wait for me at the door, an indignant look on her little face. She clearly blamed the snow on me.

Here we go again. Snot and waterworks all over the place. I have to go collect myself. I’ll continue tomorrow if I still have more words to pour out.